What are you going to wear tonight?  Amateurs rely on that "little black dress" that goes anywhere.  The pros?  Well, if it's a Chaine Des Rotisseur dinner at someone's beach front property in Tampa, the little black dress would do (with strappy sandals, of course, since flat shoes were requested on the invitation), but how much more original to get a car wash skirt in butter yellow, that would move oh-so-all uringly in the ocean breeze, and a lightly beaded thick-ribbed tomato red off-the-shoulder top?

Why not express yourself uniquely and appropriately? That's what the pros do.  And the pros think of everything - cocktails outside where everyone's mixing and mingling, and a skirt that loves the breeze.  Then at table, who wants to stare at the top of another black dress?  You'll have on that lovely red with that neckline that frames your face.

It takes confidence to move away from the little black dress, so when you do it, it reeks of self-confidence.  Get it?

This is how we know things about people.  It's part of EQ, part of nonverbal communication.  And there is nothing that sells like an aura of self-confidence.  It's intriguing.

Anyone can wear a little black dress.  And they can wear it anywhere.  But only YOU can sail into that Chaine dinner with a look that's all your own, and you've thought of everything -- how to work the breeze and the fact you'll be seated half the night.  You know those Chaine dinners; no getting up!

Now let's take this to the work place.  I'm thinking of the red jacket dress I saw the other day.  The newly promote dvice president, a woman, walked in wearing a stunning red outfit, a red dress with a ruffled hem with a long matching jacket.

My reaction?  First, she looks beautiful in red. Second, red is professional neutral, so why am I having this negative reaction?  Thirdly, it's because that outfit isn't quite right for this situation.  Too red, too much movement, bad to stand out when you're new.  Fourth, but I want one just like it because it could "go anywhere."

Slap myself!  Whenever I've bought anything I "could wear anywhere," it's always ended up just hanging in my closet. I COULD wear it anywhere, and so I wore it nowhere.

Going on a dinner date? Yes, the red outfit would do, but it looks too business like.  Why not wear the romantic long skirt with the handkerchief hem, and the white chiffon blouse with a million buttons that gives his imagination a workout, and the neckline made for the pendant he gave me?

To church?  It looks too partyish.

The opera?  It's too non descript.  This is my big chance to wear the velvet cape and go with the glam!

Giving a presentation?  Better the dark print jacket with the pleating in the back, and a scarf, so my back looks interesting.  They always have to look at my back. It hides stains too, and no ruffly stuff to catch on machinery.

But wait!  Is this really about dressing?  Heavens no, but I hope the examples brought home a point:  if all you've got in your personality ward robe is a little black dress, you'll be fine anywhere, but not just right anywhere.

If you have one communication style, for instance, that you try to take everywhere, you're going to just-miss with everyone.  And worse than that, you'll miss some of the most enriching moments of life because you can't quite connect with the individual in front of you, and meet their style.

If you can't roll on the floor and laugh with a child when appropriate, or reach across the table at a business meeting and comfort someone who suddenly bursts into tears, or ramp up for the PR woman and talk images, and ramp down at the financial board meeting and talk numbers, or project accountablity to your employees but relax with your golf buddies, you're disadvantaged.  You're asking too much of that "little black dress."

If you have only one overt reaction to every situation, people will see you as wearing the little black dress . like everyone else.  They'll glance your way, say "oh that," slip you into a category with a label (like "bean-counter", or "creative type") and never hear what you say, because they're filling in the blanks from their pre-judgments.

Don't let this happen to you!

You can learn more about who you are and how to add new things that work (like dresses in the closet) through studying emotional intelligence.  I coach individuals in EQ and develop EQ programs for organizations.  I also train and certify the coaches who do this, and it's international.  We always start with a good basic intro into neuro affective science, a $100 word for the study of emotions ("affect")which come from the brain ("neuro").  We are our emotions(or else we're like blank screens) and these emotionsoriginate from our brain, which is really divided into three parts, and one of those divided again into two.  Most of us are using only tiny portions of what's available . one little black dress hanging alone in a huge closet!

Do you want a little black dress person a - the flat affect, the same expression no matter what happens, or who you're talking to, or what you're talking about?  Everyone gets the same deal - your wife, your child, your mother, your boss?

Your emotional intelligence can be developed; that's the exciting thing.  When you increase your EQ you can put aside that little black dress personality, nice as it is for any occasion, yet never quite right for the one you're going to, and add an ever-increasing number and variety of other outfits to access for your enjoyment and success, and those of others.

Example?  Think of Joe Friday of "Dragnet."  He was so rigidly and forever Joe Friday - "the facts, M'am, just thefacts."  That was his little black dress personality.  Thesubtle appeal of the character was that Joe never varied, nomatter how good - or bad - it got.  Put that in your sociallife and you have "boring."  In your intimate life and youhave "unfulfilling."  In your professional life?Unflexible, unnoticed, and un-promoted.

Now, why am I talking dresses?  If you are impatient becauseyou thought this was about EQ not clothes, or you're a man and don't wear dresses, so so what? or you don't get what dresses have to do with emotions, then you REALLY need to study EQ.  It's likely you're missing 90% of what's going on around you in terms of relationships and information, which is what your personal and professional success depend upon.

When you suit up, so to speak, you want people to say,"Remember that man with the brown Armani jacket/ charismatic personality?  He's the one for the job."  And, "Remember that woman in ivory in a sea of back dresses/that woman who could engage everyone there in conversation while everyone else stood around ill-at-ease?  She's our new CEO."

EQ - it's about being more of who you are, and being more to others, offering more and getting more out of life.  Give it a try!  It's beats the heck out of something that will suffice anywhere, but is never quite right anywhere.

©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc .Coaching, Internet courses, business programs, and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional wellness and success.  We train and certify EQ coaches internationally.  Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for info on this fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program.  Susan is the author of "Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women' and lives in San Antonio, Texas.  Email for FREE ezine.